The Food

We became vegetarians quickly in India, though it directly violated my longstanding principles of carnivanity- a specialized version of outlandish self worship and animal sacrifice (it’s not for the humble or the squeamish I assure you). Traveling abroad is always a give and take though, so we gave up our blood-lusting, egomaniacal ways and took home some parasites.

Please don’t be misled; the parasites had nothing to do with food and everything to do with the water. Unless of course the food had water in it making it guilty by association and deserving of an equal punishment under law (my sisters is in Law school).

Nevertheless, Indian food is unusually delicious and I forgave it as quickly as I forgave the beautiful cheerleader who puked in my backpack on that magical fall day in high school. Sure it was gross, but she puked in my bag, out of all the bags in the cafeteria. And when she finished whipping the spittle from her luscious lips she looked deep into my eyes and said, “Oops.” Sigh.

Normally, I am not a vegetable guy. I impose G. Dub style sanctions on any roughage that makes it onto my plate; cordoning them off from the rest of the meal less they infect my decadently unhealthy delicacies with their extremist nutrients. In Indian food, however, vegetables are the delicacies. Vegetable Kurma and Spinach Paneer taste so good that you don’t even know they are healthy. Maybe their not, maybe they are worse than a bacon-wrapped hotdog- a traditional carnivanity delight- as long as they don't taste like yard clippings, I don't care.

While travelling in India let the the chefs throw whatever they've got into your omelettes. Acquiesce to any veggie curry or dosa on the menu. Invite any bizarre spelling of “suite and sower vegeaoutables” onto your plate without fear that it will neither satisfy nor satiate. Hindus are prohibited from eating the bloated cows that lumber through their city streets discharging mine fields of feces. And, after watching one particuarly stupid specimen chew its way through an entire FedEx shipping box, I lost my interest in meat as well.

Trust the local tastes. They won’t disappoint. Hindus make their vegetables taste so good they don’t even miss meat. Only let me caution you against ordering anything on the menu that you do recognize. No matter how familiar you are with the name of the dish, the platter that arrives will be as foreign as the country in which you ordered it.